If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
