Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
