I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
