Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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