It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
this must be what syphilis tastes like
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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