i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
