If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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