Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
either way he was missing a nipple.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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