If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
