Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
