you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
