they need to just BURY HIM!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
