i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
