She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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