i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
