yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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