it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
