Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
