my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
