She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
