I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I wear drunk well.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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