Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
