Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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