My friends, they love my intelligence
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
