I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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