she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm passing your future prison.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
