Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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