Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
