hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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