DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
