I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Randomize
