ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You are the jesus of drinking
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
