I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
