the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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