I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
