got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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