Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
