9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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