Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
