Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
