The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
