May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
