This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
