so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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