I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
