even my farts smell like vagina
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i drank out of a bidet.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize