he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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