I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
How external is "for external use only"?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
