We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
