I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
