Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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