We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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