this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
