You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
