no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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