Yo dont text me then not text me
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
