if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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