tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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